9. He is a World Fucking Champion.
8. Unlike most mega paid played players, the Nationals won’t have to pay hefty extra baggage fees toting around all his individual player awards.
7. He can play all 3 OF positions. Unfortunately for Washington he can only play one at a time.
6. The Mets were going to pay him a similar salary but more if he announced he’s actually Hispanic. But then they inexplicably fired Omar Minaya.
5. He will make Bryce Harper feel more at ease since neither one shaves.
4. The Nationals hope to recoup most of his salary with “My BF plays RF” merchandise.
3. When he is washed up in 3 years, he will continue to earn his salary by carrying Steven Strasburg’s jock.
2. The Nationals are pissed at Ryan Zimmerman’s poor defensive play down the stretch, so they want to stick it to him by letting Jay Werth stick it to his wife a la Jen Utley.
1. They paid him one million for each point of his batting average with RISP.
See ya at the winter meetings!