The All-Star Break has left me without much of anything to do. No Phillie’s game until Thursday. The Home Run Derby was a bore and the hours and hours of sports coverage on Lebron and Steinbrenner have left me in search of something to do. I know. I can check in on my friends on the social networking sites. And by friends I mean the Phillies, and by the Phillies I mean the real deal ones with fancy cars, hot wives and big paychecks. You see Jay Wrizight is one of the quasi-celebs. You know the kind I’m talking about. The guy you have no idea who he is but shows up in tons of paparazzi photos with big name celebrities. Yes, I’m THAT GUY.
It started a few years ago when I ran into Jason Michaels and Pat Burrell at Top Dog in Cherry Hill. The Bat got a kick out of my stuttering. He thought it was because I was in awe of his celebrity status, but it was really because I was afraid he’d find out I was hitting on his arm candy while she was waiting in line for the bathroom. J-Mike and Burrell have both left town but I had my foot in the door.
Unfortunately, I can’t share all the updates with you. Some things should be kept private (like what Blanton likes to do with mayonnaise) and some things are too risqué (like what Mick Billmeyer “allegedly” did with that eighteen year old, a bottle of Mad Dog and a goldfish.) Also Jose Contreras de-friending me for my questioning the legitimacy of his age and J.A. Happ did the same because he thought I has making fun of his receding hairline. In my defense, it was taken out of context and I myself cannot boast of a full head of hair. But here is the rest:
Roy Halladay It was weird pitching in a game when my team scores more than one run.
Jay Wrizight Don’t get used to it.
Roy Halladay Haha I know.
Charlie Manuel It was good to be at the All Star Game. It was real good we won the game. That catcher done real good for us.
Ryan Howard Damn I wish I got a hit. It was going to be my coming out party on a national stage as a singles hitter.
Chase Utley Rehab is going fucking awesome. I’ll be back hitting the fuck outta the ball in no time.
Wilson Valdez I wish I batted more with 2 outs.
Jayson Werth I know there is a lot of rumors going around, but she just wanted to caress my beard for a bit. That’s ALL.
Ruben Amaro I hope the recent trade will get everyone off my back.
Jay Wrizight I doubt it.
Ruben Amaro You’re one of my FB friends? You’re an asshole.
Jay Wrizight It will get worse ya know. Lee was an All Star.
Ruben Amaro So is Aumont in Double A
Jay Wrizight No he’s not.
Ruben Amaro I didn’t think you’d check.
Jay Wrizight I didn’t have to.
Jimmy Rollins Listening to Jay-Z and eating some KFC
Jay Wrizight yo young james you are a walking stereotype
Jimmy Rollins I just do me.
Carlos Ruiz Estoy tan emocionada. Tengo un caso de mi muñecos que voy a vender en eBay para que pueda comprar más helado.
Translation: I’m so excited. I just got a case of my bobbleheads, which I’m going to sell on Ebay so I can get more ice cream.
Jamie Moyer Sweet! I got the senior discount when went to the movies.
Cole Hamels Is having a lousy day. Heidi keeps nagging me and I can’t coordinate my shoes with the shirt and tie combo I want to wear.
Jay Wrizight since you can coordinate, maybe you’re not as gay as I thought.
Cole Hamels Whats that supposed to mean?
Jay Wrizight You know. Gay=happy. And your not happy.
Cole Hamels You know me so well. Thanks for being a good friend.
Brad Lidge It hurts when they boo.
Jay Wrizight They’ll never forget 48 for 48.
Brad Lidge I think they already did.
Jay Wrizight I know. I was just trying to make you feel better.
I hope you like this little insight and I hope my friends don’t mind me sharing. And for Christ’s sakes let’s make up the deficit I mean we do have home field for the World Series now.