Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I Don’t Think Phoebe would be Proud

In much like the way I am amazed that adults without children visit Disney World or go to see Toy Story 3, I am stunned by the Phillie Phanatic’s popularity. This morning I was surprised to learn not only is the Phanatic getting sued, but he is the MOST SUED mascot. Really? People actually sue the Phanatic? I didn’t know you could sue someone for being an asshole.

Wait. What?

That’s right. I said it. The Phillie Phanatic is an ASSHOLE! 

There are any number of reasons I could give you why I hate the Phanatic.  That he uses the same boring routines game in and game out.(i.e. smashing the opposing teams batting helmet, the “Rocky” fight or the weightlifting skit) or the way T-Mac giggles like a retarded bowl of Jell-O whenever the Phanatic is on TV. Or the way he tries to force himself on unsuspecting fans by trusting his pelvis into their faces. Hey, I understand people can make their own sexual choices, but no means no even if you are a 300 pound green furry thing.  But the real reason, I hate the Phanatic is much more personal.

I didn’t always feel this way. I remember when I was little begging my mom to buy me the weekly Phanatic figurine at Acme. We musta been really poor because they were like 99 cents, but I really had to beg.

When I was in high school, I took one of those aptitude tests. It said I was best suited for a career in sports management. My school passed this information along to the Phillies, who invited me to be part of their Explorers program. It was awesome. Every week for ten weeks I went to the stadium and learned about what goes into the day-to-day operations of the Phillies.  As a special treat for completing the program, I was given tickets to a game, but told I need to be there at a specified time before the game. Much to my surprise and delight when I arrived I was informed that all those in the program would be taken out onto the field and announced to the crowd. One by one, we were announced as our name was on the scoreboard and our face on Phanavision. For some reason, the Phanatic singled me out. When I was announced, Wham! A smack to the side of the head. I mean it wasn’t like a Tyson blow to the dome, but not suspecting it; it was hard enough to foster resentment towards the tongue-hurling freak.  But it doesn’t end there.

Four years later, I take this girl I had just started dating to a Phillies game. About the sixth inning, a commotion starts in our section. The Phanatic is at the top of the concourse. As my luck would have it, she loves the Phanatic. I start telling her the story and POW! That motherfucker does it again. I mean what are the chances. Do I look like some dickhead in the Galapagos Islands or something?  So now it’s gone beyond resentment and is now full-blown hatred.

I hope the Phillies don’t settle out of court, and I end up on that jury. I do my damnedest to make sure the poor arthritic little old lady who just wanted to watch a baseball game gets every penny she DESERVES.

BTW any one know the statute of limitations of a civil case involving assault?

Jay Wrizight


  1. He was at my son's baseball camp and he smells like the inside of Jerry Seinfeld's BO car. You'd think they'd dry clean him once in a while!

  2. The Phanatic hasn't been good since David Raymond. The ass clown who does it now stinks. Same old crap, and Lady Pha Pha? Please shoot me now! Being the best mascot in baseball is like being the tallest midget in the circus.