Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Strange memories on that nervous night in Clearwater circa 2009

So it's Saturday after a Friday loss to the Orioles and the crew and I are hung over. Yes my friends we took it deep Friday night. There was no way in hell we were going to drive to the Detroit game so we decided to go to Dunedin to see the Jays play the Braves. We're in Clearwater and we need to watch some ball. I'm not here for the beaches, as my pale Irish ass only gets fried, so we all hop in the minivan to start out what has become a banner day!  We park in the lot and out of the corner of my eye I see that it’s a legion post.

Being that I am a son of the legion member, we walk in there and make nice with the locals. Just so happens that a group in the corner was from Villanova and had been living down there for some time. We send over a round of beers, they send over shots for me and the boys. After about an hour and several shots later we decide it’s time to go to the game. Fast forward to the end of the game. After the 8th inning we decide to go watch the Nova game in the clubhouse. Of course they lose and we're a little upset. We head back to the Legion Post where we order the whole bar a shot and a beer for the Nova loss. The whole time leading up to our departure there was another group of older gentlemen out of the club that were doing the same trip. They walk into the Legion Post and it's go time. Shots are flying. Scratch off tickets are flying and low and behold we take the Legion for $500 big ones. We were celebrating like school kids. After the Legion post President finds out non-locals won the money he asked us politely to stop playing the machine. Since we were strangers to the bar and they were treating us with much respect, we spray the bar with two rounds for everyone and decide it’s time to go. (PLEASE NOTE that if this was not a Legion Post, so said President would've been told to go fuck himself.) We spill out of the legion post and its right back to the pounders we bought along for the ride. Two of the clowns we went with ended up going to the beach so we high tail it over there because they are holding court at Sheppards (great spot.) Now one of the guys I went with is an older gentleman who was on the trip for the first time and he's hammered. He's new to the club so he had no idea the amount of alcohol we were going to consume. I see him swaying a bit so I pulled him aside and asked him if he wanted to go grab a bite to eat. My man was juiced up.

Now we have a splinter rule that states we can separate from the crew and nobody can ask any questions. So him and I murph it. On the way back to the hotel he tells me it’s his treat and we're going to go for a nice steak. My man pots and pans! We shower up and I put on a collared shirt. Now for those of you who don't me, a collared shirt on a vacation is like a tux for you fools. I don't do ‘em, but since he was treating and it was a fancy place I oblige. As we are getting a cab one of my buddies who had also splintered from the group asks if he can come along. We say yea man go get changed and we'll wait here. He said he was good with what he was wearing.

If there was a four star restaurant in Clearwater, this would've been the place. Dude has Crocs, a Grateful Dead tie died t-shirt, and sweat shorts. Yup sweat shorts! So in I walk with the older gentlemen and ask the concierge (is that spelled right? Like I care…. back to the story) for a three top. He tells me its going to be 5 minutes... until he sees the nightmare walk in behind us. Ooops! It just so happened they gave that table away. It’s going to be an hour wait. My blood is boiling now. Discrimination at its finest. Shit I wouldn't have served the slob either if he weren't my boy. The concierge asks if we would like to wait that long and I say yea. Now the hippy and older dude are asking to leave but I guarantee them a table in ten minutes. We proceed to the bar when I happened to stumble upon her. Blond hair beauty that caught my eye. Told the boys to step aside because I'm going to do what I do best. Mackin’ hoes!

C$(Me) - Excuse me Luv
Luv - Yes Honey
C$ - I'm going to eat big, spend big, and tip big. Can you get me a table?
Luv - Sure thing I'll be back in five minutes.
C$ - You’re the best doll

As she walks away the two guys I'm with are breaking my balls how it didn't work out. They two have no idea of my sexual prowess. I walk to the bar and ask for a gin and tonic. Yes boys its game time to settle my nerves. 
Before I even get my drink, there's Luv telling us to follow her (and yes she gave me her number on a napkin…nother story for another time, turns out she also worked at Tilted Kilt...see pic above). Send the drinks to my table will ya Spider! As we walk across the crowded room, the Hippie has to go to the bathroom. The Older gent and myself sit at the table. As I case the joint, I see and oh so familiar face. I examine the table and low and behold.. Jayson Werth, J Happ, and Kyle Kendrick. Now my boy the hippie is a huge fan of the Phils. To a fault sometimes so I know he's going to be stoked at our seating. He sits and starts to jibber jabber. I point my eyes in their direction and I see his face light up. Kid in a candy store.

Hippy - I'm getting autographs
C$ - Settle down. let them eat and then we'll get autographs
Werth - We'd be happy to after we eat.
C$ - Thanks Jay (Like I know the guy)
Hippy - Love u guys man
Older dude - Who are these guys (transplant from down south)
C$ - Couple guys from the Phils
Older dude – Cool… is that Werth?
C$ - Yea but let's not bother them.

This is where it goes south and mind you we are completely hammered at this time.....

Older dude - Hey Jason what’s up with being 1 hit last night?
Werth - Hey man give us a break its pre-season
C$ - Pre season doesn’t count????
Werth - Exactly
C$ - Bush league!
Hippy - Yo man these guys are my heroes, we can't talk to them like this
C$ - You know who my hero is, my dad. Fuck these guys.
Kendrick - Hey man that ain’t right
C$ - Did you make the team yet Rookie?

Hippy storms away from the table ranting about how much of an asshole I am.

Concierge - What seems to be the problem?
C$ - No problem, go check on my food. (still pissed at him from before and the gin is in full effect at this point)

At this point Werth stands up. Oh shit, he's built like a house and he's going to fuck my world up.

Werth - Man you guys are juiced up
Older Guy - Yea man sorry about that. I didn't know it was a touchy subject. (he lacks the knowledge of the game and didn't know he offended them)
Werth - No problem we get it a lot from you Philly fans.
C$ - Best fans in the world!

…at this time in walks Utley.

C$ - Whats up Chase?
Chase - How you doing?
C$ - Pretty good. Big fans of the Phils. Thanks for the Championship! Let's do it again.

Now Hippy comes back to the table. Sees Chase and has a shit fit. Starts apologizing to the guys. Happ starts to explain to Chase of our recent history when I hear him say it’s only Spring Training. Now for me every game counts so this (and the gin) starts to piss me off!

C$ - What is this shit talk about spring training. Every game counts. Look at Kendrick… He's fighting for his life over there.
Chase - Hey man that’s not a cool topic.
C$ - What? Why not?
Happ - ..cause he's at the table?

Mind you I'm pointing at the table

C$ to Happ - I'd rip your tits if you threw me your shit!
C$ to Chase - You got a bat and ball in the car?  We're going to go out to the parking lot and I'm going to rip his tits.
C$ to Werth - Shave that crap off your face!

Now I've officially offended everyone at the table. Job well done C –Dawg! An ass beating has to becoming soon right? Werth settles them down and stands up again. At this point check comes and hippy and older guy get into it with the concierge because we never got our food. I proceed to tell the concierge, "Go get your fucking shine box." I'm on fire.

Chase - Hey man we're just here to eat
C$ - Ya know what Chase, so were we, when this asshole didn't like how my boy was dressed. I apologize to you and the guys for our actions. This dickface set me off.
Older guy - Yea guys we're really sorry. Can we get you a round of drinks.
Chase - Thanks but no thanks we got a game tomorrow.
C$ - Our money is no good?
C$ - How about you slapnuts buy us drinks then?

Chase shoots me an evil eye. Werth is still laughing from the shine box comment and Happ and Kendrick are shell shocked.

C$ - You know what. This place is a dump. We're out of here. Fella's have a good night and we'll be rooting for you all year.

At this point the table is silent and out of the corner of my eye guess who I see - yup - Johnny Law. We walk by the officer and in our best efforts try not to stumble.

C$ - Hello officer. (I may have said Ahs- si- fur)
Officer - Guys are pretty banged up. Not driving are you?
C$ - No sir. Our cab awaits us.

Officer - Stay out of trouble. 

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Passing The I Test

Punch-Drunk Glove
I really should be studying.  My brain is burned out on parsecs and spectroscopy.  My mind is on a different cluster of stars: Baseball Stars--in particular, our beloved Phils. 

Doc.  Doc...  Are you there, Doc?  Ladies and gentleman, I regret to inform you that Roy Halladay is human.  Roy Halladay is, in fact, a human being.  It's clear this condition is catching up to the once-Ace of Spades in that stacked-deck rotation of Four Aces.  Remember that?  It was only two years ago.  Last night, Halladay failed to pitch through more than four innings.  I'm going to try to avoid throwing statistics at you.  When numbers fail, you give him the eye test.  So far in 2013, Roy Halladay has failed both eye exams.  He looks flustered, forced.  He looks flat-out uncomfortable on the mound.

The staff is getting knocked around, except for a few bright spots.  The one-two combo is practically hitting themselves right in the kisser.  Home Goods is having a White Sale this weekend.  Think they'll have any nice towels? 

In reality, it's too early to worry, but a you might start looking into arrangements by mid-May...

Ryan Howard.  You mean the Big Peace Out?  The guy is an enigma and there is just no explaining how he goes into these funks.  But he does.  He also comes out of them.  Usually in a big way.  Healthy, Howard will knock in 110 before you can say "Five.  Five Dollar.  Five Dollar Footlo--" ...and so on.  #6 fails the eye test as well.  Like he has years-past, Ryan Howard is swinging at bad pitches.  Really bad pitches.  And watching good ones go by.  MLB scouts and pitchers are a wise bunch.  They see a guy unable to connect on a breaking ball, they throw him breaking balls.  He's so surprised to get a fastball down the middle, it's snapping Rawlings before he knows it.

The kid, who ain't such a kid no more, will get straightened out.  But .270 (damn numbers!) is a long way off.

The table setters have been setting the table: Revere is getting on and has swiped a few bags; Jimmy is faring rather well in the two-hole.  Utley?  Well, Whitey, he is the man.  Again, healthy. Bad knees are bad knees are bad knees.  Same for the hips, but so far, so good...  And these all bode well for the Phillies' season.  They can compete.

What about Dom Brown?  You mean Smoke Screen?  He is who we thought he was...

2-5 ain't pretty.  But rather than focusing on the numbers, let's see if they pass the eye test.  While individual players pass, this team as a unit is about a C+.  From what I understand, a pretty good tutor has been seen hanging out around third base.  Maybe he can help pull those grades up.

OK, back to studying about parallax... 

...from a distance of the 700-Level to home plate, Ryan Howard appears lost in space.





Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Josh Hamilton is a Piece of Shit


Spike a vein Josh!


Be informed fans. Josh Hamilton is a piece of shit. The worst kind of trash. He has a gift and he does not give a shit. The bulk of Phillies fans are hypocritical assholes, just like Hamilton (see declining ticket sales). The bandwagon fans will piss and moan to get him, and when he is here, they will piss and moan that he sucks and has a bad attitude. I do not think you see or know the Josh Hamilton that I think I know; someone who consistently gives up and does not care.

People talk about his awesome numbers, and that he's a great story, but all of you, who were not Rangers fans and didn’t have to deal with his never ending excuses and off the field issues. Last off season, he told the media that he didn't owe the Rangers anything; odd, because the Rangers were the ONLY team, four seasons ago, who would consider giving a contract to him; given his past drug and alcohol use.

His monster numbers this past year are very inflated, because almost half of his home runs and RBI's came in the first month and a half of the season, while the rest were scattered in two and three game bursts between month long absences:
June                       .223 BA                 4 HR
July                        .177 BA                 4 HR
September             .259 BA                 7 HR

While on slumps, he would give excuses like he drank too much coffee and energy drinks, that he was slumping because God was mad that he dipped, he couldn't see in day games, and because his sinuses were acting up.

He gave up on the Rangers after the All-Star break, and anyone who watched a Rangers game saw him go 0-4 or 1-4 with two or three strikeouts almost nightly. The last month of the season, he removed himself from a game after 3 1/2 innings, because he made a mistake, something a player should never do, without speaking to the manager. This man is a prima donna, who plays when he wants to, and gives a 50% effort on the field.

This man is a hypocritical baseball player who talks down to people who question him, and who holds no respect for his teammates, managers, or the game of baseball.  Michael Young has stated that Hamilton played in about 30 games more than he wanted to because Young was on his back. Sign this jerk-off if you wish, but be prepared for off the field drama, excuses upon excuses, a soap box attitude, and lack luster mid and late season performances for 3-5 years.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

The British are coming!




The British are coming, the British are coming! No not that Revere!  I'm talking about Ben Revere. Ruben Amaro Jr. was working hard through lunch on Thursday, as he acquired the exciting young Minnesota Twins CF Ben Revere for fan favorite Vance Worley and AA pitching prospect Trevor May. Ben Revere is a 24-year-old outfielder with track speed and a dynamite glove. He is coming off a season in which he hit a solid .294 with 40 steals in 49 attempts in 124 games. Revere is a guy that will give you similar production to that of coveted Michael Bourn, but at a fraction of the price ($492,000 in 2012 ) . I personally love this trade. The only thing that has me worried is now is the Phillies have a lot more stock in the right arm of Kyle Kendrick, and I'm not sure that's such a good thing !

-The Young Gillick

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Cold Stove



 The following post is a reader submission who goes by the name The Young Gillick. Let us know what you think about his cold stove points!


 It's been unseasonably warm the past couple days here in Philadelphia. It must be coming from the Music City where things are heating up. No, it’s not for due to an Elvis siting. It’s because of the 2012 winter meetings, a place where GM's and agents work tirelessly to fulfill their Christmas wish lists with Josh Hamilton as the ultimate prize.

                                                             

In the aftermath a of putrid season in which, for the first time in 5 years, the once mighty Phillies failed to make the post season dance .The Phillies have a roster filled with aging superstars and major question marks. Ruben Amaro Jr. has been eerily quiet, as he watches the teams around him signing his players of interest.  


With sounds of Upton in the air, you have the feeling that Michael Bourn is about to reunite with his old pals. Bourn is a dynamite player with awesome speed. Possibly the best thing about him is that he could spell the end of days for Jimmy Rollins as the team’s leadoff hitter. The cons are that he's another left-handed bat that strikes out a lot (155 K’s last season). As for the outfield I think Amaro has the right idea, it looks like he's looking for a trade to upgrade. I've been hearing whispers of Granderson, but he is another lefty.





If I was able to contact Amaro, I would tell him, “Dude it's a no-brainer. Mark Reynolds is one of the best right-handed power-hitters in all of baseball. He reminds me of Pat Burrell, but a 3rd baseman with more power.  136 Bombs the last 4 seasons, none of which took place in the little league field called Citizens Bank Park”. The cons are he has a disgraceful batting average (.235 Career BA) and he strikes out more than Howard (he averages 213 K’s a season).



The Bullpen… come on man, last year how many games did the Philiies blow after the 7th inning? (Phillies blew 19 leads in 2012 after the 7th)  One of the ‘08 Phillies strengths was the bullpen. I’d target Mike Adams, who has been game over in the 8th inning, with a 2.16 ERA last 3 seasons.


Thursday, November 29, 2012

An Open Letter to Carlos Ruiz




Dear Carlos,
In a league of big shots and assholes, on a team of overpaid and under-producing players, you were OUR guy. You were all grit and hustle. You had this bright smile and hard-nosed play that we, as fans, loved. Now you are just a druggie user. Once adored by the mailman in Torresdale, put on a pedestal by the teacher in Conshohocken, and glorified by the scientist in Glenside… once lovingly known as Chooch, now you are the same to me as Bonds, Clemens, Palmeiro, etc. The funny thing is, you did not have to do it. You were a World Champ, the general of the pitching staff, and a stellar defensive catcher. Panamania is dead to me. Once one of my favorite Phillies players, you have now gone the way of Abreu, Bell, Qualls, and Bastardo. That is not really fair to those four, because as far as we know, there only fault was dogging it or just completely sucking. You disappointed legions of Phillies fans and your use of an amphetamine with no diagnosed therapeutic use is a disgrace. The bigger and even less known fact is: This had to be Ruiz's second positive test for a stimulant. An initial positive for a stimulant does not trigger a suspension, only that the player must undergo follow-up testing. You have proven that you didn’t learn. You consciously decided to continue a banned substance AFTER you were given a second chance. You don’t get a third chance with this, and hopefully many other fans.
 
I looked at your average offensive output from 2008-2011: .267 Batting average, 42 RBIs, and 7 HRs… that is above average for a MLB catcher. Your true value was in your defense and play behind, not at, the plate. How much of your hustle was drug induced? Is this the first year you used Adderall? I will not cheer for you. You will not get a pass with this fan. I think the hypocritical Philly fans will look the other way when it is one of their own getting caught using a banned substance. If this was a Met, the fans would have signs and  throw pills on the field. I won’t do that, but you are a disgrace to the game, nothing you do from here on will make up for it. RIP Chooch.

Disgustedly,
BL Chris

As it pertains to Major League Baseball, in 2011 a total of 105 players were granted exemptions under the league’s drug policy to fill prescriptions for Adderall according to an NBCSports.com article. That’s 13% of MLB players are “legally” on Adderall, a much higher rate than the general population. The CDC states on their website that Adderall is therapeutically used by 3-7% of the US population.  Medical experts have also stated that Adderall is/can be used as a masking agent for performance enhancing steroids and can have long-term cardiovascular implications. Earlier this year, Major League Baseball tightened criteria for obtaining such exemptions in response to criticism stemming from the abnormally high rate of prescriptions among its players. As of last June, players receiving exemptions to use Adderall or other such stimulants need the approval of a three-expert panel. In the past, only one individual reviewed and decided on such requests.