So it's Saturday after a Friday loss to the Orioles and the crew and I are hung over. Yes my friends we took it deep Friday night. There was no way in hell we were going to drive to the Detroit game so we decided to go to Dunedin to see the Jays play the Braves. We're in Clearwater and we need to watch some ball. I'm not here for the beaches, as my pale Irish ass only gets fried, so we all hop in the minivan to start out what has become a banner day! We park in the lot and out of the corner of my eye I see that it’s a legion post.
Being that I am a son of the legion member, we walk in there and make nice with the locals. Just so happens that a group in the corner was from Villanova and had been living down there for some time. We send over a round of beers, they send over shots for me and the boys. After about an hour and several shots later we decide it’s time to go to the game. Fast forward to the end of the game. After the 8th inning we decide to go watch the Nova game in the clubhouse. Of course they lose and we're a little upset. We head back to the Legion Post where we order the whole bar a shot and a beer for the Nova loss. The whole time leading up to our departure there was another group of older gentlemen out of the club that were doing the same trip. They walk into the Legion Post and it's go time. Shots are flying. Scratch off tickets are flying and low and behold we take the Legion for $500 big ones. We were celebrating like school kids. After the Legion post President finds out non-locals won the money he asked us politely to stop playing the machine. Since we were strangers to the bar and they were treating us with much respect, we spray the bar with two rounds for everyone and decide it’s time to go. (PLEASE NOTE that if this was not a Legion Post, so said President would've been told to go fuck himself.) We spill out of the legion post and its right back to the pounders we bought along for the ride. Two of the clowns we went with ended up going to the beach so we high tail it over there because they are holding court at Sheppards (great spot.) Now one of the guys I went with is an older gentleman who was on the trip for the first time and he's hammered. He's new to the club so he had no idea the amount of alcohol we were going to consume. I see him swaying a bit so I pulled him aside and asked him if he wanted to go grab a bite to eat. My man was juiced up.
Now we have a splinter rule that states we can separate from the crew and nobody can ask any questions. So him and I murph it. On the way back to the hotel he tells me it’s his treat and we're going to go for a nice steak. My man pots and pans! We shower up and I put on a collared shirt. Now for those of you who don't me, a collared shirt on a vacation is like a tux for you fools. I don't do ‘em, but since he was treating and it was a fancy place I oblige. As we are getting a cab one of my buddies who had also splintered from the group asks if he can come along. We say yea man go get changed and we'll wait here. He said he was good with what he was wearing.
If there was a four star restaurant in Clearwater, this would've been the place. Dude has Crocs, a Grateful Dead tie died t-shirt, and sweat shorts. Yup sweat shorts! So in I walk with the older gentlemen and ask the concierge (is that spelled right? Like I care…. back to the story) for a three top. He tells me its going to be 5 minutes... until he sees the nightmare walk in behind us. Ooops! It just so happened they gave that table away. It’s going to be an hour wait. My blood is boiling now. Discrimination at its finest. Shit I wouldn't have served the slob either if he weren't my boy. The concierge asks if we would like to wait that long and I say yea. Now the hippy and older dude are asking to leave but I guarantee them a table in ten minutes. We proceed to the bar when I happened to stumble upon her. Blond hair beauty that caught my eye. Told the boys to step aside because I'm going to do what I do best. Mackin’ hoes!
C$(Me) - Excuse me Luv
Luv - Yes Honey
C$ - I'm going to eat big, spend big, and tip big. Can you get me a table?
Luv - Sure thing I'll be back in five minutes.
C$ - You’re the best doll
As she walks away the two guys I'm with are breaking my balls how it didn't work out. They two have no idea of my sexual prowess. I walk to the bar and ask for a gin and tonic. Yes boys its game time to settle my nerves.
Before I even get my drink, there's Luv telling us to follow her (and yes she gave me her number on a napkin…nother story for another time, turns out she also worked at Tilted Kilt...see pic above). Send the drinks to my table will ya Spider! As we walk across the crowded room, the Hippie has to go to the bathroom. The Older gent and myself sit at the table. As I case the joint, I see and oh so familiar face. I examine the table and low and behold.. Jayson Werth, J Happ, and Kyle Kendrick. Now my boy the hippie is a huge fan of the Phils. To a fault sometimes so I know he's going to be stoked at our seating. He sits and starts to jibber jabber. I point my eyes in their direction and I see his face light up. Kid in a candy store.
Hippy - I'm getting autographs
C$ - Settle down. let them eat and then we'll get autographs
Werth - We'd be happy to after we eat.
C$ - Thanks Jay (Like I know the guy)
Hippy - Love u guys man
Older dude - Who are these guys (transplant from down south)
C$ - Couple guys from the Phils
Older dude – Cool… is that Werth?
C$ - Yea but let's not bother them.
This is where it goes south and mind you we are completely hammered at this time.....
Older dude - Hey Jason what’s up with being 1 hit last night?
Werth - Hey man give us a break its pre-season
C$ - Pre season doesn’t count????
Werth - Exactly
C$ - Bush league!
Hippy - Yo man these guys are my heroes, we can't talk to them like this
C$ - You know who my hero is, my dad. Fuck these guys.
Kendrick - Hey man that ain’t right
C$ - Did you make the team yet Rookie?
Hippy storms away from the table ranting about how much of an asshole I am.
Concierge - What seems to be the problem?
C$ - No problem, go check on my food. (still pissed at him from before and the gin is in full effect at this point)
At this point Werth stands up. Oh shit, he's built like a house and he's going to fuck my world up.
Werth - Man you guys are juiced up
Older Guy - Yea man sorry about that. I didn't know it was a touchy subject. (he lacks the knowledge of the game and didn't know he offended them)
Werth - No problem we get it a lot from you Philly fans.
C$ - Best fans in the world!
…at this time in walks Utley.
C$ - Whats up Chase?
Chase - How you doing?
C$ - Pretty good. Big fans of the Phils. Thanks for the Championship! Let's do it again.
Now Hippy comes back to the table. Sees Chase and has a shit fit. Starts apologizing to the guys. Happ starts to explain to Chase of our recent history when I hear him say it’s only Spring Training. Now for me every game counts so this (and the gin) starts to piss me off!
C$ - What is this shit talk about spring training. Every game counts. Look at Kendrick… He's fighting for his life over there.
Chase - Hey man that’s not a cool topic.
C$ - What? Why not?
Happ - ..cause he's at the table?
Mind you I'm pointing at the table
C$ to Happ - I'd rip your tits if you threw me your shit!
C$ to Chase - You got a bat and ball in the car? We're going to go out to the parking lot and I'm going to rip his tits.
C$ to Werth - Shave that crap off your face!
Now I've officially offended everyone at the table. Job well done C –Dawg! An ass beating has to becoming soon right? Werth settles them down and stands up again. At this point check comes and hippy and older guy get into it with the concierge because we never got our food. I proceed to tell the concierge, "Go get your fucking shine box." I'm on fire.
Chase - Hey man we're just here to eat
C$ - Ya know what Chase, so were we, when this asshole didn't like how my boy was dressed. I apologize to you and the guys for our actions. This dickface set me off.
Older guy - Yea guys we're really sorry. Can we get you a round of drinks.
Chase - Thanks but no thanks we got a game tomorrow.
C$ - Our money is no good?
C$ - How about you slapnuts buy us drinks then?
Chase shoots me an evil eye. Werth is still laughing from the shine box comment and Happ and Kendrick are shell shocked.
C$ - You know what. This place is a dump. We're out of here. Fella's have a good night and we'll be rooting for you all year.
At this point the table is silent and out of the corner of my eye guess who I see - yup - Johnny Law. We walk by the officer and in our best efforts try not to stumble.
C$ - Hello officer. (I may have said Ahs- si- fur)
Officer - Guys are pretty banged up. Not driving are you?
C$ - No sir. Our cab awaits us.
Officer - Stay out of trouble.